whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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