hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
