if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
