First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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