The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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