This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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