I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
