Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
