i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
