even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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