i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
