I think i peed on brittanys purse
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
