I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
