my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
