So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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