shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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