He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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