I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
