I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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