when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Let's get the cat blown out
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
