You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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