No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I have feelings that need drinking.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
