i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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