Jerry, you need to find god
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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