My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
