He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
