What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
