I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
