just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
3pm strippers are depressing
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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