I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
