It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i think my tv is drunk
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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