...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize