Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize