we have pet lesbian snakes
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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