He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
