Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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