U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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