that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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