I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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