just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize