I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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