He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
