I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
