Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
