I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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