so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
