I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
