Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
