this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize