My room smells like vodka and shame
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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