wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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