yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize