If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
