I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
