Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize