Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
