i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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