Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
