I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
