I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
accomplished twins. life is a go
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
