Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
